Yesterday, I blogged about a new medicine. Now, In all honestly, I did not take any medicine the night before yesterday because I smoked at a huge concert. But, yesterday I knew I'd have to monitor this new med so I've been sober 4 days before the concert, and I didn't touch anything yesterday either. So my new med is tegrotol. However you spell that. Anyways, I was super tired last night. I thought well I have been loosing sleep lately. Could it be my girlfriends prego side effects. Obviously i googled/youtube carmazopine (however you spell that. ) I found a lot on drowsiness ! DAMN ! It seems like I can't win. I told the nurse I don't want to get back on depakote because of weight gain so now I feel like I'm possibly taking something that will not allow me to stay up late enough to work on music. If you know me, you know that I will be having some inner conflict. I will do as the Dr. says and go back on a mood tracker. Thank God , I see the Dr. next week. The thing that worried me was that the nurse told me stay off the wellbutrin because it's making my mania worse, yet told me to wheen off the lamictl, yet the pharmacy cautioned me about taking tegratol and lamictal, which the nurse didn't . I'm taking just the tegrotl once a day at 200mg in the morning with food until I see the Dr. Even if I experience BS side effects, I will do as instructed. I know my queen will help me get through this. Well, that is all for now . Wish me luck down medicine lane. Stressed and blessed. Oh and I did take 15 mg of adderol yesterday w the tegrotal. I get my rx next week so I figured whatever I might have laying around would be ok. I'm only supposed to be taking 10mg a day.
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Sitting here a week after getting out of the hospital, I had to write about how good I feel. My recovery has been a wonderful journey filled with lots of pain, hardships, and confusion followed by blessing after blessing after blessing. I am happy because when I look around me , I see everything I wanted to happen happen. I've always to have the lifestyle that included waking up meditating, praying , yoga, getting my thoughts together, and having a career. Having bipolar made it hard for me to hold a job because of mood swings, anxiety and much more. After years of living in a dark cave, I prayed for a light to show me the way out. One tool was alcoholics anonymous. I'm not a drinker, but since that did trigger my last hospital stay, I figured why not revisit the past. I've come a long way , and I could have felt like I crashed and started all over. I am a server, a travelling artists, help out with NAMI, and a soon to be father. I find a way to manage exercise, eating very healthy, and still be able to handle my self care. I think what broke me recently is that I wanted to help so many people that I forgot to help myself. I realized that I can't rob anyone of their own life changes. I can just accept them as they've accepted me. I can only be patient as they have been with me. I can only stay positive. I have so many goals that I'm looking forward too. Lately I've had a lot of hardships , but GOD, GOD , GOD has been my everything. Regardless of a car wreck, getting pick pocketed for $900.00 , ending up in Green Oaks, I've managed to stay positive. It's just a reminder to me that I can handle this. No matter how bad it seems things are, they might not actually be. I'm sitting here wishing I had someone to talk to. Instead , I've found when no one's around (Yes, I know God is, and I have prayed) that I can find journaling therapeutic. With that being said, I'm here tonight/day to talk about my hospital release. I guess it would be logical to start off explaining what triggered all this. I don't want to let the world all my business, but I had an episode of mania and suicidal ideation. I called the police on myself actually. I did it out of fear of hurting someone. Lately, I've found it hard to be able to handle my fiance's mood swings. along that I've had to be the bread-winner since she has been out of work for quite some time. Obviously the career I have alongside becoming a dad for the first time. There's more, but you get the point. What can I say, I lost it. I ended up in Green Oaks , and thank God because the cops ( MIND YOU I CALLED AND ASKED TO TALK TO THE CIT UNIT) wanted to take me to jail instead of the hospital. Due to my wonderful girlfriend, she explained my condition to the cops and they took me to where I needed to go. NOT JAIL! As I rode in the squad car I could hear the cops saying I was crazy. Some CIT unit huh ? Yeah , Texas needs more education and transformation still. OH I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT I am not a drinker at all and that night I drank a lot due to stress. On with the story. The 1.5 day stay did me good. Unfortunately, they put me on extra medication :( , but it gave me time to reflect about the fact that I actually ended up in Green Oaks after more than 10 years. I THINK IT'S OK TO HAVE EPISODES NO MATTER HOW FAR IN RECOVERY YOU ARE. It's a realistic reminder that I have a illness that I can not control, and that I will always have to struggle with it. Like all lifes problems, it too shall pass. While I was in Green Oaks, I did have an interesting stay. There was an obese man farting like it was his last day on earth. Mind you his ass crack was showing and his gut was hanging out accompanied by ," You selfish bastards" after we people in the hospital ( I don't like to use the word patients) told him to have some respect for everyone. In addition there was a woman who claimed to be military trained and said "one chop to the neck and you're dead" repeatedly to one of the techs because he wouldn't give her a toothbrush the minute she demanded. He was trying to help another person out with some sheets at the time, and he kindly told her he would help her in just a second. On top of that it didn't help when someone in the room said " B(*&^ you aint gon do ^&(&*^ you scary , you aint gonna fight nobody. I'll pimp the (*&^(&^ out of you acting like you tough. I'll put a (*&^&^ in your mouth. " I have no idea why no one said anything to him. Mind you he said it twice and it was not in a low tone. Well she ended up swinging at the tech and they ended up putting her in silent confinement. She was never hit , and I was actually impressed with the way the tech blocked her punches but did not hit her. Also I almost got into a fight with the guy saying he would pimp the for for trying to help him out when one of the other techs took his water bottle. Other things were a guy who I believe was having delusions or psychotic symptoms because he was talking to whatever he thought was going on or was there. They gave him a therozine shot and he pretty much went to la la land. I think it was good to me because it reminded me how far I have come in recovery, but I needed to see what the hospital was like again. It let me see how much has changed for the good and the better. For one, I think the way they handled us was better. I just didn't like how the techs and nurses wouldn't say things about everything just things that posed threats. I mean I did think it was uncalled for for that guy to say " I'll put a (*&^ in your mouth" out loud in front of all the woman. Other than that, I had good food , they had a HD tv and we watched movies on FX. I'm out and I'll be going to my Dr. tomorrow to follow up. It was refreshing to see what areas could improve and what was better. I felt like a mystery shopper. There's still a lot of work to do. I especially confirmed it when I realized there was no Spanish translators at certain times of the day and some of the people there needed translation. Luckily , I was there. So with that being said, I have much more info and up to date knowledge to base my goals on and have a better compass. I would love to write more but my mania wants me to work on creative material. Thank you for those who listened to my rants. The following is from a response I posted in reply to a pregnant woman asking how to deal with her bf that has bipolar. I myself am new to this, but I would really appreciate any advice what so ever on this. I have bipolar, and the only advice I have is that it's super duper hard. Remember the mood swings during 1st trimester. Well, that is a light version of having bipolar. It is so hard because a lot of the uncontrollable mood swings that my soon to be fiancee has happen to be my triggers. I know about my illness through NAMI. National Alliance for Mental Illness. They have a program called family 2 family , which is a free course for people who have loved ones with mental illness. It teaches how to understand the illness and help us get through it. Episodes for me happen everything I have new intense stress in my life. The financial responsibility with her not working has made me iarrate and a complete mess. Sad thing is, I know it's bad for the baby. Now, all I do when she gets mad or furustrates me, that to be on the safe side I just pray and stay quiet. I then try to leave or do some exercise /yoga /anything that I can grab onto as a lifesaver to save me from flying off the handle. It suck because It leaves me physically drained, to the point to where my body starts looking depressed. She knows about my illness and thanks to God, I've found someone who goes to NAMI with me and learns about this illness with me. I don't like having it anymore than she does. And, I accept that I have something out of my control must like she has accepted me. But not trying to defend your bf, but all I can say is that it is extremly hard to keep your cool over something that takes over your mind like addiction does the brain. These are the main times where I have a hard time keeping my esteem up becaue I feel like I;m hurting the ones I love and I have no breaks ,untill its's too late. It makes me feel like a complete damned useless burden at times. But, I know it's my disease and that it's my choice everyday to choose to foucs on my recovery. I STRONGLY SUGGEST A LOOK INTO THE NON PROFIT THAT SAVED MY LIFE . NAMI Now I know this picture might make you think otherwise, but a better me is born. Becoming a father is the best thing that could ever happen to me. I've been saying that a Juan Johnson 3.0 is coming , and I have this thing about taking a long time to make decisions but sticking to them once they're made. This new me is about minding my own path. I guess I became a little caught up with all the hardships going on in my life. Brother in jail, my fiancee's father passing, my family's family passing. But, today, I realized it had reflected in my writing. Heck I even gained a little weight. Regardless though, I feel know that my mania is actually shifting into positive gear. I guess on the inside I'm cold and heartless because so much stuff I pray for not to happen happens. The thing is the more I think about it, I can't help to wonder if that's what it really is. Why do I put on such a positive act ? I feel like its because of the people around me hurting me because of their situation that I feel as if I have no choice but to be a super motivational influence and not worry about things that are out of my control. I feel like this blog made completely no sense.
Mental Illness and early death. I just did a show N. Carolina, and had my wallet stolen so basically it was a promo show. Super surprisingly , I did not freak out. I think even the service desk was a bit amazed. I say that to say this, I've read that people with mental illness have a shorter life expectancy than people without it. Im older than my wife and I obviously think about me passing before her. I don't understand why today I hadn't took my medicine (and i still have't ) and loosing 800 dollars didn't make me flip out. When I get falsely accused of cheating I actually loose it. Why !? I have no idea. It makes me think, how is this stress affecting my brain. Am I getting wiser and learning to let material things go or Will I blow up later randomly reacting to this situation. One of the main reasons, I want to help people with mental illness is because it saddens me to know that we might have to go early. For example, a person with depression has smaller chances of working out, and other healthy practices because of their symptoms. It's hard when one part of your brain is crying to exercise but is overpowered by the bigger part that says your useless so why try. You have to experience the symptom to truly understand how it feels. I can read about France all day , but if I've never been, I' m not going to try to explain how France is. I'm going to be trained by the the U.S. Department of Health and human services on the new Obama care plan and how to teach people how to apply. In addition to that I am going to focus on promoting holistic health practices. Today, it's what made me say , "oh well 899 dollars gone, but I have my passport and can make it back home. My baby is in good health and on the way. I'm alive and in good health. Plus , the fact that I just came back from my 3 rd time iN Carolina and did 2 shows !! Look at the POSITIVE not the negative . " WHO DO I TALK TO ? NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME ?
Danger: I have feelings. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a sign with this posted on my head. Emotions. Emotions. Emotions. What is one to do when your heart is pumping mania through your veins. The ever so popular phrases "Flew off the handle" and "snapping on people" come to mind. One thing that struck a chord with a lot of peers I spoke with was that we didn't mean half the things we said. Why does it feel so right though ? I'm sure everyone has their own reasons. I mean doesn't everyone "loose it " every now and then ? Perhaps, but when I loose it, it is far from pretty. Here are some things that have helped me in the past. 1) Suicide Hotlines: To some this might take courage to do, and to some it might be classified as cheesy, but It's actually helped me out. The reason this is good for me, is because thepeople working these hotlines, sometimes times volunteer out of the goodness of their heart and have had some type of training. The other thing is that it can become embarrassing calling Billy Joe for the 3rd time this week because you turned your house upside down at 6am arguing with your girlfriend over something that happened last year. I've noticed that we as people sometimes can really open up to a complete stranger. We don't have to see them again. They don't know our history. They are the emergency ears that have been my last resort. If it wasn't for them I would have probably committed some serious crimes. Maybe even take my life. http://www.suicidehotlines.com/texas.html 2) Journal/Diary : I don't know how to explain it , but there's something about writing down your emotions raw on a piece of paper. There are no ears to criticize or judge you. Just a canvass there to capture one's true emotions. It's like art to me. Why ? Because my thoughts can be super abstract, and make entirely no sense, even to me. At times I've had arguments where I've decided, "Ok, we need some space and then we can talk about this later.", After finishing my emotional PIcaso, I calm down and go back to interpret my feelings , into something that is safe to say out loud. I feel its only right to let emotions flow as they come. I look at it like the way people say things they don't mean when they're drunk or mad. It's just an outburst. There's rare times, when I've actually handed what I've written to whoever I'm arguing wit h and explained to them that, I don't mean what I say in my journal, but I just feel like I mean it. Then I let them know how I really feel. I don't know if people fin that hard to understand , but it definitely took me some time to learn how to manage my illogical outbursts. The following link is a great online journal as well as other tools such as a mood tracker. 3) 5 close friends/family Why is it that the people we know that care about us, are sometimes the last people w think to call. Is it the embarrassment of having to call again, or is it that we feel we don't want to be a burden. A good friend told me that we should have at least 5 people we can call at anytime of the day , that if we were in extreme danger would pick up that phone or call as back immediately. It could be a mentor, family member, peer, or just anyone you feel comfortable with. I've found that usually I end up calling at least one person if I don't know who else to. 4) Finally but NOT LAST AT ALL - YOURE HIGHER POWER. I believe that there is eternal life, and perhaps all of us might have spiritual differences, but I do believe there is some force we can tap into, that can give us patience, strength, and tolerance for others, but most importantly ourselves. I've prayed to God to forgive me for hating my disease at times. I've prayed for skills to control my condition. I've hated myself for having certain symptoms, but I can always count on the Lord to work magic, and make me feel better. For me, spiritual practice is a huge part of my recovery. Loved ones, we all have some. Lately, I've been experiencing loss of loved ones through incarceration and death. To add to it, I'm about to be a father for the first time. My mind lately has been on auto-manic, but I recognize it and am trying to manage. I feel like death and jail are two key events that can make everyone depressed regardless of diagnosis or not. A close family member, my brother, is incarcerated . They have a diagnosis, and are dealing with addiction. What hurts is that I sometimes used to feel responsible or at least feel I've influenced many of their bad choices. I see a mirror image of me years ago. I've often said to myself ."If they could follow me in my bad steps, why they follow in my good steps." The fear of their safety in jail does cross my mind. The initial letters I've received don't show much change in his mentality, but over time that has started to change. It's hard to be patient when you pray for someone daily. Especially, when the one thing you fear will happen, actually does. Patience has allowed me to receive new letters with a new state of mind. Instead of thinking will he go back in when he's out, I can sincerely say that I know him and I will be on the same path once again before the madness. Faith. Faith ? Faith in what ? Often, religion gets over looked by the mental health system because it is a "sensitive" topic. How would others feel if they prayed daily to a higher power to give them their life back, and nothing seems to change. As a peer specialist, I crossed paths with many who gave up on a God. I did too. People who lost their entire family,house,and earnings. Remember Katrina ? I felt God gave me a destiny to be "one of those", and to suffer. I felt not-even the Devil cared about my existence. I was in a early stage of recovery. If I didn't know what to do, how would others. What about those that gave up on me, and accepted that that's just the way I am. FAITH AND PATIENCE. FAITH AND PATIENCE. FAITH AND PATIENCE. FAITH AND PATIENCE. I've been taught that in the early stages of recovery. (Keep in mind that just because we seem healthy and successful doesn't mean we can't have and episode and go back to square 1. Unfortunately, it does happen.) that sometimes our loved ones must hold the hope for us. What I'm trying to say is this. People with mental illness, want to be recognized for their efforts regardless of how important /or minute they are to others. Here are some examples of options of what to say. NO HOPE STATEMENTS STATEMENTS WITH HOPE " I don't know what to do anymore" "I'm not giving up on us until we find a solution" " Bout time you got out of bed" "Good morning or great to see you up." "You'll never change" " We can both work on changing this. " " I hate when you're like this" "I love you no matter what. How can I help" THE KING OF ALL HOPEFUL STATEMENTS THAT HAS KEPT PEOPLE ALIVE THROUGH MENTAL ILLNESS I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. Here is a song influence by my brother's situation. |
AuthorI am Juan. I live with Bi-Polar and ADHD. I am in recovery and want the same for all my peers. Archives
August 2014
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